Dating with Herpes

Discovering that someone you're interested in is diagnosed with herpes can stir up a mix of emotions—uncertainty, doubt, and fear among them. However, dating someone with herpes doesn't have to be complicated. Equipped with the right knowledge, awareness, and open communication, it is entirely possible to have a loving and fulfilling relationship. Let's delve into why herpes should not be a dealbreaker.

The Basics

Herpes is a common sexually transmitted infection (STI) caused by the herpes simplex virus. There are two types: HSV-1 (commonly causing oral herpes) and HSV-2 (commonly causing genital herpes). The infection is characterized by outbreaks of sores in affected areas but can also be asymptomatic, making it easy to spread even when no signs are visible.

Before we go any further, it's crucial to remember that herpes is extremely common, with more than half of the adult population having oral herpes and about one in eight having genital herpes in Canada. Knowing someone—or being someone—who has herpes is more common than you might think. The prevalence of the disease often serves as motivation for people to get tested and educated, which contributes to broader understanding and destigmatization.

Separate Identity from Condition

When diagnosed with herpes, it can feel like the condition takes over your identity. However, it is essential to remember that while herpes is a disease you have, it is not who you are. The emotional toll, especially when re-entering the dating scene, can be immense. But your worth isn't dictated by your medical condition. Your potential partner is likely interested in you for various reasons—your personality, shared interests, emotional compatibility—and not just physical intimacy. You may even find that the person you're dating not only accepts your diagnosis but also doesn't see it as a significant issue.

Setting the Tone for Open Communication

Rejection is a fear that plagues everyone in the dating world, more so if you have herpes. But the right person won't reject you solely based on your condition. Effective strategies to handle this include:

Early Disclosure: Honesty is crucial. Discuss your diagnosis early in the relationship to give your partner a chance to make an informed decision.

Educate and Discuss: Arm yourself with factual information about herpes to address any questions or concerns your partner might have.

Transparency: Clear communication about how you're managing your condition can go a long way in establishing trust.

Having "The Talk": Tips and Timing

Disclosing your herpes diagnosis is a delicate subject that should be approached with care. Here's how to go about it:

Be Upfront: It’s essential to disclose before becoming sexually active, to allow your partner to make an informed decision.

Choose the Right Time and Place: Timing is everything. You don't have to disclose on the first date, but do it before taking the relationship to a sexual level. Select a comfortable and private setting to have this important conversation.

Example Disclosure:

"I really enjoy our time together and see this heading in a more intimate direction. Before that happens, it's crucial for me to let you know that I have genital herpes. While I take medications to manage it, the risk of transmission is not zero. So I wanted to let you know so you have some time to think this over."

Legal Aspects: To Disclose or Not to Disclose

While there is no legal requirement to disclose in Canada, ethical disclosure is the foundation to a trustworthy relationship.

How to Lower the Risk: Proactive Measures

Being proactive about managing herpes can make both you and your partner feel more at ease.

Use Protection: Consistent and correct use of condoms can significantly reduce the risk of transmission.

Know the Triggers and Signs: Stress, menstruation, and other triggers can cause outbreaks. Recognizing the signs can help you abstain from sexual activities during these times.

Medication: Antiviral medications like valacyclovir can lower the chance of transmitting herpes to a partner.

Can oral herpes be transmitted to the genitals and genital herpes to the mouth?

Yes, while HSV-1 typically causes oral herpes and HSV-2 genital herpes, HSV-1 can be transmitted to the genitals and HSV-2 to the mouth.

Can herpes be spread even when there isn't an outbreak?

Yes, the virus can cause asymptomatic shedding which means that it can be present on the skin or mucous membranes without causing any visible signs of infection. According to some estimates, among heterosexual couples who do not regularly use condoms, the transmission rate from a partner who has herpes to one who does not is 5-10% within one year.

When Your Partner Has Herpes

If you're on the other side of the equation and your partner discloses a herpes diagnosis, it's equally important to be open-minded and informed. Consider this as them laying the groundwork for an open, honest, and informed relationship. Being receptive and compassionate can make a world of difference. Dating someone with herpes may require a little extra emotional labor, but it can also foster a deep sense of trust and openness.


Dating someone with herpes doesn't have to be complicated; it just requires better communication, understanding, and some changes to sexual practices. Remember, herpes is just a health condition; it doesn't define a person or the potential for a loving relationship. With the right mindset and precautions, it can lead to a fulfilling and emotionally enriching partnership.

Herpes Testing & Treatment